Thursday, February 4, 2010

When I feel like a melty vanilla ice cream

Today....I feel defeated. I'm tired. I don't have energy. What energy I DO have, I have been rationing out for things like:
  • putting the dogs outside
  • taking a shower
and...that's about it.

There are dishes to do, forms to fill out, bills to pay, places to call,  a calendar to check...   There is so much to do to survive. I feel like melted vanilla ice cream on the floor (I had some potential, but now I'm just a mess).

And whose great idea was it to have any sort of tbi patient fill out forms?? This honestly, feels like Tax Day every day. You know that dread you get when you think about taxes? You remember that you're a responsible and educated adult, but have no idea what questions 5, 7, 42, 53a, 53b, and 53c mean?  Or whether you're supposed to fill out extension sheet 4587-91 or 4587-92? You know if you answer the wrong way, there could be problems, and if there are problems, that just means a TON more paperwork?  Welcome to our world.

My paintings are staring at me like disappointed relatives on Thanksgiving. They're whispering things like "you have potential, but you're not working, it's so sad... how did you get like this?". The nicer ones are telling me "it'll be ok, don't worry."

I know that today is a blip. Tomorrow can be better ( I hope)


Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked

the post below was pre-scheduled, and now feels a little funny considering my current mood. Go figure.

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